You’ve just started on the first shift of the week. You’ve had a fabulous weekend away with friends – it was lovely to spend time with people who you care about and who care about you. You walk through the door feeling refreshed and ready for anything, only to see the very first client this morning is somebody that was very hard to manage last time. There had been a misunderstanding about the cost of a recheck and they had been very reluctant to pay the bill. It had ended in a tense and uncomfortable standoff. They did pay in the end, but begrudgingly. They are now at the desk to book another animal in for an examination today. They don’t look happy.
Your immediate thoughts are:
- “Why aren’t some of our clients more understanding?”
- “Why don’t they listen to us?”
- “Why don’t they work with us?”
- “Why don’t they do what we need them to do?”
- And “What can I do to change this pattern of behaviour?”
While none of us can change the world and make us all happier and more thoughtful beings, what we can do is create an atmosphere around us that feels safe, warm and welcoming, where our clients are more likely to take our advice, more likely to leave the practice feeling satisfied and happy, and more likely to want to come back, pay their bills and recommend us to others.
Creating a safe space
The key is to think about how we can create a space physically and psychologically where people feel safe. People need to feel that their pets will get good care and that they can talk openly about the challenges they face. This is achieved by a positive practice culture and starts at the very first touch point – the phone call and the first footfall into the practice.
The key [to compassionnate communication] is to think about how we can create a space physically and psychologically where people feel safe
What is it that they experience in those first moments? You aren’t always in control of the building, the layout of the waiting room, etc, but you are most definitely in control of the communicative space. You are in control of what you say and do in that first moment of greeting a client and finding out what they want and need to help their pet.
People bring their animals to you or call your vet teams out to them because they have noticed something wrong, and what they want from the veterinary practice is something to help their pet. We must not forget that they also have concerns about the impact of their animal’s illness on their lives and this influences their emotional state as they start this conversation with us. We ignore this emotional element at our (and our business’s) peril.
We can probably rattle off our introduction to ourselves and our practice in our sleep, so how do we slow it down and make it sound personalised? How do we start treating the person in front of us as an individual with a unique set of circumstances and associated concerns? When we ask them how we can help, how hard do we listen to their concerns and worries before we offer solutions?
Listening
Listening is probably the most important communication skill we can use – listening so we get the information correct, but also listening to understand the perspectives, emotions and needs of the other person. It doesn’t take any longer, but it requires us to be a little more attentive and to shelve our immediate responses that are transactional, such as booking the appointment, checking the price, etc, so we can explore and begin to acknowledge and manage the other person’s underlying concerns. I’m going to use a very simple example of a client booking a nail clip to show how listening for emotions impacts the conversation.
Listening is probably the most important communication skill – listening so we get the information correct, but also listening to understand the perspectives, emotions and needs of the other person
Mr Jones might be bringing in his cat, Tiger, for a nail clip, which is very routine for everyone, but his demeanour in this interaction is driven by other concerns. The issue isn’t just the long nails: it’s the impact that these nails are having. Tiger’s nails keep catching in the blanket that his poorly wife has wrapped round her knees. There will be cues and clues in what he says and if we are listening to understand these background issues, we can pick these up and take a moment to empathise. Have a think about the two exchanges below, where the receptionist is booking a nail-clip appointment.
First, with the receptionist working transactionally:
Mr Jones (rushed, matter of fact): “I want to book an appointment today for Tiger’s nails. They are so long; they just keep snagging on stuff. It’s really upsetting my wife.”
Receptionist (brisk): “No problem; we don’t have an appointment today, I’m afraid, but I can book you in tomorrow with Becky, our nurse, at 3pm. [Business like] Do you want me to put that on a card for you?”
Mr Jones: “No! Didn’t you hear – it’s urgent!”
Receptionist (internally): ARGHHHHH!!!
Second, where the receptionist is listening for emotions, to understand the other person:
Mr Jones (rushed, matter of fact): “I want to book an appointment today for Tiger’s nails. They are so long; they just keep snagging on stuff. It’s really upsetting my wife.”
Receptionist (gentle, soft voice): “That sounds tricky…”
Mr Jones: “Yeah, she’s not well and is bedbound right now, and it’s really upsetting her that her constant companion and comfort, Tiger, is getting all snagged up in the blankets. And he’s getting cross, too.”
Receptionist: “Aww, I can see that’s hard, of course you want an appointment as soon as possible. Let’s see what we can do to book you in as soon as we can. Given that we are fully booked today, will tomorrow at 3pm work for you? I can call you if we get any cancellations.”
Mr Jones: “If that’s the first appointment, it’s not ideal, but I appreciate your help and hopefully we can get him in sooner. I’m here all day, looking after them both. Thanks.”
In the second example, our receptionist also has the chance of being empathic. Once she can understand why Mr Jones is being impatient, it makes sense to her, and she can respond accordingly.
Empathy
Empathy is a really important component of communication and relationship building with clients. So why do we care about it? It improves client satisfaction, and it can help us enjoy our jobs more. Sometimes when we are busy, we feel we don’t want to get entangled with other people’s lives as this will slow things down, but as you can see from the simple example above, empathy improves our client relationships and makes the transaction much easier. Neither person is walking away from that transaction feeling unheard, bruised and frustrated.
Put simply, empathy involves the ability to understand somebody else’s perspective and also to understand the emotions that they are feeling. It might be that you haven’t had the same experience, and it might be that you don’t always agree with the perspective, but that you can connect with the emotion they are feeling. Knowing this can help us feel that empathy even if we don’t agree with the other person’s position – the resultant emotions are still ubiquitous human emotions, and we can relate to them.
Compassion describes our need to act in response to feeling empathy. In the second example above, our receptionist picks up on the cue that Mrs Jones is upset. In response, she gently opens up the conversation with a gentle and open “That sounds tricky”. The key to this part of the interaction is her tone of voice and that she leaves a space at the end. This space feels safe and allows Mr Jones to expand on the situation.
Our receptionist is now more aware of what’s going on and she goes on to acknowledge the situation and validate the feelings: “Of course you want an appointment as soon as possible”. Her next action is the compassionate response of booking an appointment and additionally trying to find a cancellation. Mr Jones now feels heard and realises that although he can’t have what he wants, the receptionist is working in his best interests.
Saying “No” with compassion
Did you notice how our receptionist managed to say “No” without Mr Jones getting cross in the second example?
It can be hard to deliver news like that and maintain a good relationship with the other person
It can be hard to deliver news like that and maintain a good relationship with the other person. Even though the “I’m afraid” in the first example might feel empathic, the following “but” often triggers a negative reaction. The words “but” and “however” seem to negate that empathy. In the second example, our receptionist manages to sidestep that negative response by a three-step process.
- Agreeing to help, with the added bonus here of using “we” to step away from this being her personal response: “Let’s see what we can do”
- Externalising the barrier to giving the client what they want/need by using the words “Given that…” It’s not her choice and she is now creating an alliance with the client where they both need to accept this can’t change
- Offering an alternative: “will 3pm work?” You can also ask what their alternative might be: “Is there something else that would work for you?” If the thing they suggest isn’t something you can deliver, then go back to step one here and work it through until you find something that is workable
Final thoughts
I hope that in this short article, I have asked some questions that have got you thinking a little about how to fine-tune your listening and how to mindfully and deliberately develop a communicative approach that incorporates simple routes into empathy and compassion. The outcomes of this more thoughtful and deliberate approach allow us to help our clients more successfully and create a space where there is less conflict. We can create situations where clients are more likely to listen to us because they feel listened to, and to work with us because we are working with them; we can work together to ensure the animals in our joint care get the help that they need and the humans around those animals feel validated and cared for.
| Courses on compassionate communication are available through the VDS website. |
