Whether you traditionally celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or other events during the winter months, there are multiple opportunities to bring light into the dark and short days, and numerous chances to benefit from the season using emotional intelligence.
We can use emotional intelligence to approach this period from a perspective which may perhaps be different to what we’re used to and which has the potential to bring a greater, more wholesome joy to those around us as well as to ourselves.
We can use emotional intelligence to approach this period from a perspective which may perhaps be sifferent to what we are used to and which has the potential to bring a greater, more wholesome joy
Recapping emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence has five competencies. We like classification and sub-classification, so here’s a synopsis:
- Self-awareness means that you are aware of how you feel in the moment and how you would feel in a given situation. You are aware of your strengths and your weaknesses
- Self-regulation means you are not ruled by the emotions you feel. You can exert a degree of self-control over your reaction to feelings and emotions. It’s healthy to be acutely aware of what you’re feeling, and it’s beneficial to pause before you react on autopilot to those emotions, ie reacting reflectively rather than reflexively
- Motivation is about being “responsibly selfish” – consider what you want out of a given situation and how you can go about getting it
- Empathy by itself is a whole additional life skill and is largely about being able to see things from another’s perspective and being aware of their emotions, their way of communicating, their joy and their distress, if it’s there
- Social skills are probably what we all traditionally focus on during these months of seemingly endless Christmas dos, Hanukkah dinners and family gatherings
Gifts
If we think about buying and giving gifts, it’s such a wonderful opportunity to take time and pause, to think about the other person and to stock up on the warm, affectionate feelings which will see us through other dark months.
It’s easy to rush through shopping for gifts, decorations and huge volumes of food without thinking. Often it’s a hassle and a chore instead of “the season to be jolly”. We have no time to spare because all these obligations are piled onto us in addition to what we already do, and I don’t know of any vet or nurse who has abundant spare time these days. Yet here I am asking you to take even more time to exercise new strategies and ways of celebrating the festive season.
It may be extra minutes or extra hours; that’s your choice. Maybe you’ll dip your toe into this exercise to become acclimatised. It’ll take effort and focus at the start, and then, with time, it could become a new way of being during this month without any effort at all.
Self-awareness when gift-giving
Sometimes a carefully thought-out gift means a great deal more to the recipient than a lavish present for the hell of it. You want to be aware of how you feel about the person for whom you’re buying a gift. You want to reflect that feeling to them. So, how do I do this?
Sometimes a carefully thought-out gift means a great deal more to the recipient than a lavish present for the hell of it
If I really do care about them, then a few moments taken with my eyes closed focusing on our friendship and their wonderful qualities will only make me feel good inside. Why not?
Then you can take it to the next level and spend another few precious minutes you can’t spare with your eyes closed focusing on how they care about you. Thinking of the times when they spent their precious time with you, when you laughed or cried, when you did something enjoyable together or when you felt that you were aligned with this friend in some way.
Now you’re ready to think about what you want to give them.
Self-regulation when gift-giving
Self-regulation means that instead of spending a thousand pounds on them because you care enormously, you’ll spend just the right amount to get the message across that you care and that you value them. You are uniquely placed to convey your own message with the gift you give.
You are uniquely placed to convey your own message with the gift you give
Motivation when gift-giving
What do you want out of this situation? Well, I’m guessing you want to show that you care for someone and to further cement your friendship. So, can you spare more time together giving this gift? A pause in the hectic preparations?
You can see their face as they open the gift and read the message you’ve taken the time to write. You and they can have warm compassion bouncing back between you for a few moments. They’ve got the message.
Empathy and social skills when gift-giving
Empathy means that you know how to communicate with your friends, and you know what will bring them joy. You use carefully thought-out words on the gift tag which you know will resonate with them, and you can celebrate in their joy when they read it and receive their gift.
A very important social skill is knowing when enough time has been spent together that you can both return to your hectic preparations for the rest of the season
Social skills like body language, active listening, eye contact and embraces all add to the experience for both of you. But remember, a very important social skill is knowing when enough time has been spent together that you can both return to your hectic preparations for the rest of the season.
Final thoughts
But why is this important? Our social connection is as accurate a predictor of our mortality as is smoking, obesity and hypertension (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010). So using emotional intelligence to boost our social connections this festive season will not only make our lives happier, it will make our lives longer.
