“I’m constantly surrounded by people at work: colleagues, clients and people on the phone. Then I get home, and I feel like I’ve been alone all day,” said one of my clients, a vet in a busy hospital.
Loneliness is different from “alone-ness” and has a massive impact on our mental and physical health.
The loneliness epidemic
In 2023, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called attention to loneliness and isolation as an “epidemic”. He cited its association with increased rates of anxiety, cardiovascular disease, dementia and stroke, and even its link to a shorter lifespan.
Our social connection is as accurate a predictor of our longevity as is smoking, hypertension and obesity
Office of the Surgeon General (2023)
So why is it that, even when we are based in a service industry, when every patient has at least one human attached to it or often more, and we have multiple work colleagues (because none of us can do our job single-handedly), we are looking at an epidemic of loneliness among veterinary workers?
There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Sometimes, even a member of a large (apparently) cohesive family can feel very lonely if they feel that they aren’t seen or heard by their family members.
One nurse I listened to feels that it’s because when at work, “everyone wants something from you. They don’t need you as a person, they need what you can bring to the table.”
This can generate a feeling of being needed, which may be great. However, feeling like we belong and that we are valued and cared about is a lot more valuable when it comes to leaving the building without an empty ache in our bellies.
We can be respectful, supportive and kind towards our colleagues at work. We can exchange hugs and coffee, and yet we can be completely unaware that our most “popular” friend at work goes home feeling lonely and isolated.
Another hospital vet told me that it breaks her heart when people approach her at work (which she says is every minute of every day) and they don’t have the courtesy to say “Hi” or show interest in her as a sentient being before they ask her a clinical question. I heard from others who work with that vet. They presumed people constantly asking her for advice would be affirming for her and make her feel that she was integral to pretty much every case in the hospital, so therefore “loved” and cared about in a way.
Another client, a doctor, says he has had “enough” of humans when his working day ends. And yet turning the key in the door on returning to his empty home, which should ideally be his refuge from all those humans, makes him feel overwhelmed with loneliness.
Loneliness within healthcare
While there is a lot in the literature about loneliness in the elderly, there are very few studies in comparison in healthcare workers, and even less interest in loneliness affecting veterinary professionals
Yes, the COVID pandemic made loneliness in the elderly and social isolation more deadly than ever during that time. It also shed light on the fact that loneliness is a societal issue and a healthcare issue, and that raising awareness was necessary. But while there is a lot in the literature about loneliness in the elderly, there are very few studies in comparison in healthcare workers, and even less interest in loneliness affecting veterinary professionals.
More than 80 percent of respondents to a 2020 Health and Social Care in the Community survey of healthcare workers in Spain reported they were prone to mental health issues. Further, researchers found that the presence of loneliness was positively correlated with these struggles (Cabello et al., 2022).
Some veterinary professionals may have entered the profession because of their affinity with animals and a desire to help them. It would be easy to conclude that those people don’t need the human-to-human bond as much as others. That may even be true of some of us. However, most full-time veterinary professionals don’t have a happy spaniel waiting at the other side of the door when they get home, either. It’s usually impractical to be the best dog owner you want to be when you’re working 10-hour shifts. Cats are fantastic company and can come with a guilt-free existence if we live somewhere with a cat flap. Guinea pigs probably need us to be at home even less.
Whether we prefer animals to humans or neither of the above, the need humans have for an authentic connection with other humans is an innate need and often an unmet need
However, whether we have a dog or cats or rodents, whether we prefer animals to humans or neither of the above, the need humans have for an authentic connection with other humans is an innate need and often an unmet need. This authentic connection will not happen without some effort. Asking someone how their weekend was as a polite, pre-emptive rhetorical question before you ask for something from them will not generate wellness in either of you.
How to build social connection
If we are aware of this need for connection, and of this void which arises because of the way we work and the way we communicate at work, is there anything we can do to mitigate the loneliness we or our co-workers feel while also navigating everything else we’re supposed to be navigating?
Yes.
Noticing
Simply scanning the faces in the room during hospital rounds will show you who is hurting. We must believe that we have the ability to notice this. The tiniest acts of humanness can make a whole lot of difference to that person’s day. Making the effort to do this can enhance your mood, too.
It’s easy to ask, “You OK?” The answer is usually affirmative, even if it’s not truthful. Asking “How can I help?”, or figuring out what it may be that’s concerning them, for example “Your weekend on call looked exhausting”, or asking “Do you fancy doing this case together?”, accepting that they may be feeling down or lonely for no apparent reason, are all ways of being kind and present.
Be honest
Honouring that awkward question with a truthful answer will go a long way towards fostering a sense of camaraderie and support between them and you, and hopefully in the team
If someone asks “You OK?”, noticing that they care is worthwhile for both of you.
Honouring that awkward question with a truthful answer will go a long way towards fostering a sense of camaraderie and support between them and you, and hopefully in the team. If you give an honest answer, that person may go on to have the confidence to approach someone else with an honest answer next time.
Truthful answers don’t have to be detailed to be helpful. They don’t even have to be explanatory answers. You can say that you feel a bit down/ lonely/exhausted and that you’d rather not go not it, “but thank you for asking, I appreciate it”. Another answer could be “It’s so sweet of you to notice and to ask. I’ll be OK, thanks,” if you’d rather not go into details or because there isn’t time.
Help yourself
I spoke to one vet who feels lonely in the middle of a hospital team of 32 people. She felt that she couldn’t “waste” her time off having alone time, because she has an urgency to be with friends, find a partner and have a full social calendar to “fix” the loneliness she has due to work.
Joining a bouldering club or registering with Bumble or singing in the local choir can so often feel like another chore, and often just too hard to do. We’re exhausted. We also want some time alone, at least.
That’s why fostering relationships when we are inevitably surrounded by people is so important. If we can feel some social connection at work, then it frees up time outside of work, where being by ourselves at a time of our choosing can actually be welcome and good for our mental and physical health.
Outside of work, making the tiniest human interaction more valuable is within everyone’s capabilities. Some supermarkets have recently opened what’s known as the “chatty queue”, where people who previously enjoyed the interaction with the human cashier as the only conversation they may have in a given day can join that queue, chat with the others and then chat with the cashier.
This will definitely appeal to some and make others cringe, but the concept is brilliant.
Being kind and making eye contact when thanking some random driver for letting you out of a side road is tiny and worthwhile. Asking the barista how their day is going is helpful for both of you. At the gym, thank the instructor and let them know what they did well. Call someone. Crazy when we can message, right?
It’s more valid the more you tailor it to you and your day. Then notice how it makes you feel somatically and emotionally, and see if you can take it further as a daily habit.
