Positive psychology promotes well-being and happiness in the midst of adversity through means such as optimism, resilience, social connection and more. Martin Seligman pioneered this branch of psychology as a response to other branches which, he felt, were too focused on only alleviating suffering in the mentally ill, while ignoring the promotion of flourishing and thriving (Seligman, 2019).
Toxic positivity, on the other hand, is the act of avoiding, suppressing or rejecting negative emotions or experiences and replacing them with an overly positive narrative. This includes denying the existence or validity of the negative, which may be denying your own emotions or the emotions of others, and trying to replace these difficult emotions with positivity. A classic example is the use of the phrases “turn that frown upside down” or “cheer up, it might never happen”.
This may seem strange coming from a positive psychologist. I promote viewing difficulties and situations from several viewpoints, so that we may develop balanced ways of seeing them. Sometimes, just knowing that there is another way of experiencing a situation can ease the distress that the situation causes us, even if we don’t agree with the opposing view.
Tackling toxic positivity as a pattern of behaviour
Toxic positivity is different to positive psychology in that it denies the presence of negative emotions, preventing oneself or others from processing their difficult emotions and accepting that the effects of them are real and present. This emotional suppression can cause depression, guilt and shame, and can even backfire by magnifying suppressed feelings (Compare et al., 2014).
Toxic positivity is different to positive psychology in that it denies the presence of negative emotions, preventing oneself or others from processing their difficult emotions and accepting that the effects of them are real and present
The irony is that toxic positivity increases depression and loneliness, and decreases employees’ engagement with their work.
Building in elements of positive psychology
Optimism helps us to see that adversity can coexist with happiness: it’s OK to not feel OK. We also don’t want to stay in that negative state if we don’t have to. Optimism stops us from presuming that the worst will happen. It stops us from awfulising.
We’re not naturally optimistic. In fact, humans have an in-built negativity bias, ie we’re always ready for when that sabre-toothed tiger comes at us from behind the bush. So, it may seem that we have to be “forced” into an optimistic state so that we will presume that the best is coming.
Many well-meaning managers will assume the mantle of the positivity promoter, which is great. However, denying that there are any difficulties in their workplace or being overly enthusiastic about changes in the workplace (which may or may not be positive for employees) is an attempt to mislead those they manage, and is toxic positivity.
Furthermore, a manager who denies that the presence of workplace strategies are detrimental to the moral code and well-being of the employees risks not being taken seriously, being out of touch with the team and being mistrusted.
Toxic positivity is a pattern of behaviour. It’s not an official psychological term and it can be poorly understood. It should not be used to undermine true resilience.
Resilience isn’t just “bouncing back from adversity”. Rather, resilience is about being so prepared for adversity in the first place that when it happens, we don’t become overwhelmed, we don’t shut down and we don’t spiral into a dark place.
Some people know that there are suboptimal situations and painful emotions associated with working in a given place. And yet they choose to stay there, aware of the difficulties and accepting of the emotions that the work environment causes within them, balancing their emotional books and seeing that the benefits of staying in the less-than-ideal workplace outweigh the difficulties for them.
Toxic positivity is a pattern of behaviour… It should not be used to undermine resilience
These are the employees that need to be rewarded. They have made a choice to stay, thus demonstrating their balanced narrative. They don’t need to be convinced that it’s all going to be simply fantastic as soon as they reach this goal or that objective. They just need a manager who is similarly balanced and not hysterically happy nor in denial. Those who choose to leave a suboptimal workplace because of the detrimental effects on their well-being, also need to be commended for their self-regulation and courage. It’s not easy to take the plunge.
Employees thrive when they are managed by an empathic and positive leader. Workplaces function best when there is cohesion within the team and the manager encourages a healthy positivity whilst also being able to listen to their managee’s concerns. If the manager calls out those expressing themselves as “negative” or “not team players”, that is also an example of toxic positivity.
This is not designed to point the finger at overly positive people and to accuse them of wrongdoing. Being non-judgemental is key.
If someone’s views don’t align with yours, that means that there are obviously two or more ways of viewing that situation. It doesn’t have to mean that one of them is wrong. Sometimes, two people may simply be at different stages of the noticing and accepting process and then end up with aligned perspectives. Other times, they may end up with opposing views. That’s OK.
Positivity becomes toxic when it’s used, on purpose, as a means of denying difficult emotions, gaslighting or manipulating others.
Emotional intelligence as a tool to mitigate against toxic positivity
If I’m feeling just great, despite many difficulties, it’s important that I read the room before I share my good news/happiness/latest joke.
We all know that.
Emotional intelligence can guide us when we are trying to be aware that our positive feelings may be seen by others as toxic.
Self-awareness lets me know what I am feeling. I might be feeling really upbeat for some reason or no reason whatsoever. I may be feeling really down, again for a reason or not.
When I’m feeling great, it’s good to focus on this feeling and allow it to become as big as possible to “fill up the tank”. Allowing it to pass without noticing it because it doesn’t need any of my attention and doesn’t need to be “fixed” would be a waste.
Self-regulation involves stopping, pausing and again reading the room or the person, before I break into singing in the rain or something else.
Motivation: what do I want out of a given situation and how do I achieve that? Well, I usually want to spread the good feeling and make everyone feel as good as I do. But that lacks the most useful factor of emotional intelligence, which is empathy.
Empathy: am I aware of how others are feeling, even if they don’t say it? Can I put myself in their shoes? If they are feeling very different from me, can I see that and alter my behaviour accordingly (while remaining aware of my own happy state and not quashing my emotions)? If they are feeling good too, but focusing elsewhere, can I see that and bring their focus and chat back to those upbeat emotions?
Social skills: can I use my body language and demeanour to spread the positive vibes around my team? This is often less manipulative and more effective than just telling people to be happy about something.
In the end, a balanced mindset without unhealthy extremes will always be more respected and trusted than one that forcibly promotes misplaced positivity.
